The enemy of the people is dead!!!
By which I mean, I finally got rid of my old phone – the HTC Touch Pro, a device that was surely forged in the fires of Hell by Lucifer himself. I remember how excited I was when I brought that phone home, so full of promise and potential – and it was lies, all lies. How can I count the ways the Touch Pro betrayed me? Turning on in my pocket, and running down its already-meager battery while I remained blissfully unaware? Starting up countless apps as my (admittedly handsomely-chiseled) cheekbone pressed up against the touchscreen during phone calls? Missing and dropping calls, and not bothering to inform me of the resulting voicemails? Oh, this phone had at all.
Most charmingly, at one point my phone became convinced that some – oh, but not all! – of my text messages were arriving from the year 2016. I tried writing back to my futuristic friends to see if I could learn anything about how global warming was proceeding, or whether President Palin had successfully declared war on Sweden, or at least make some really savvy World Series wagers, but sadly it was just a crappy software bug and my friends were all still stuck here in 2010.
In fact, I’m now fairly convinced that most these problems were related to the unadulterated suck that is Windows Mobile, with my phone taking the lion’s share of the actual blame. Why? Because after 24h, I’m already deeply in love with my new phone – also from HTC. Yes, so far my EVO looks like everything I hoped the last phone would be, except it has been blessed by Google – my all-time favorite Evil Empire. My bar is admittedly low – does it buttdial everybody in my contacts list over the course of a night? No? Awesome! – but so far I think we’ll be very happy together.
Now the only question is how to execute the traitor. I’ve thought about donating it, but I really can’t think of anybody who’s so poorly off that they would benefit from the use of this technological abortion. I should probably be environmentally conscious and recycle it, but every time I think of all the pain and suffering it’s caused, all I can think of is: will it blend?